not my first Mother's Day.

Sunday May 13th, 2018 was a hot and sunny Georgia day. Jordan made an early morning golf tee time for us and on the way there I remember feeling like I was going to be sick in the truck. By the time we got to the clubhouse, I was definitely going to be sick. As he checked us in and grabbed our cart I ran for the bathroom. I was confused because I hadn’t had all that much to drink the night before and hangovers were the only reason for that level of nausea. I shook it off and tried to enjoy the round. 

I’ve never made it through 18 holes playing, I don’t do it enough to be great at golf and there’s not a name for how many bogeys it takes me to get in the hole so I just leisurely play here and there along with him, riding in the cart and drinking beer when I don’t feel like hitting. This day I tired out way before 9 holes which was especially early. I hit once off the tee box early on the back 9 and snapped by driver so that was the end of my golf day. 

Driving home I still wasn’t feeling well and it was only then that I started getting suspicious. Jordan stopped for pregnancy tests on the way home. I didn’t believe the first two so he went back out for a different kind. Five positive pregnancy tests later I couldn’t deny it any longer, Avery was growing away in there. 

I was terrified. A week earlier I was throwing back tequila shots on Cinco de Mayo and here I was on Mother’s Day, a first time mother. I’m tempted to say expectant mother but I can’t say what I was expecting exactly and the truth is I was a mom right then and there. I had no idea how to be pregnant. I was so worried I had already caused my baby harm with my lifestyle. I was a 25 year old smoker who loved to drink and eat way too much fast food. 

Here’s what I learned since my first Mother’s Day: I’m not a perfect mom, but I was and will always be a good mom. I did the best I could with what I had at the time. In the end it wasn’t the alcohol, the cigarettes, the bad diet in the beginning that caused Avery’s death. It was my blood disorder, which I no longer blame myself for not knowing about. He taught me so much; about myself, about life, about carrying babies. He made me a mother and all that I learned by having him will make me an even better mother to his siblings and for that I will be forever grateful for my firstborn. I have made huge & healthy changes in my life that needed to happen, that only came to light by carrying Avery. Mother’s Day last year changed everything for me, I live for Avery & I will live for my babies, just as most mothers would say they do. I am healthier and happier than I have ever been. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank God for this blessed life he has chosen for me.

In this journey of living without Avery I have met some amazing mothers I never would have known otherwise. Mothers who have also said goodbye to their babies, mothers who find ways not only to go on with their lives but live fulfilling lives that honor their children and the impact that they have on our world. They (we) are the strongest mothers that exist.

To the mother’s who’s hearts are broken and lonely, with empty arms and teary eyes this mother’s day know that I am with you. I see you, I hurt with you and I hurt for you. I’m sorry we are this kind of mother, this is not the motherhood we would have chosen. But I choose Avery, I choose to be his mom. Painful and cruel as it is at times, I take the good with the bad, the tears and the memories. I wouldn’t change my motherhood. I am no less a mother than any one who raised children all her life. And neither are you reading this. From one mother to another I wish you a Happy Mother’s Day. Whatever this day looks like to you, whatever you have to do to get through it, you are and will always be, the best mother your child could have. 

Happy Mother’s Day Mamas. You have all my love & prayers.