Avery’s 1.

I’ve been asked several times in the week how I survived Avery’s first birthday in heaven and I’m still trying to come up with a good answer. The best way I can describe it is much like how I’ve handled everything in the last year and that is I “play it as it lays”. Meaning I keep my expectations low and take things as they come. I didn’t expect to cry all day long and I didn’t expect to feel celebratory all day. I was prepared to do whatever felt right at the time. 

I actually surprised myself. Similar to many milestones I’ve reached this year the lead up was much more difficult than the actual day. When I woke up I felt blessed to be given this day to celebrate my one year old. The day before I made sugar cookie batter that needed baking and his birthday cake that needed icing, so I worked in the kitchen all morning. I let myself think about how this day would be different if he were here, if I was preparing for a different kind of party, getting ready to host children and their parents instead of hanging anchors on the wall with balloons to honor his angel friends. How I could put him in a baby swing while I worked on the cake he would later smash with his little hands. Surprisingly it didn’t make me sad to think about, or maybe it did a little, but I still felt grateful to have this sweet boy’s life to be celebrating at all. 

By early afternoon my mom arrived, and we went to the beach for a walk. His birthday was such a beautiful fall sunny day. I carried his bear and wrote his name in the sand as I’ve done many times we visit the beach but this time with a “happy birthday” message I hope he could see from heaven. 

We came home and got ready to go downtown for dinner. The sunset was gorgeous that night with neon orange and pink shining over the river. Our table even had a small candle to honor our boy’s day. The funny story from Avery’s birthday is the parking ticket. None of us noticed the handicap sign initially. After spending a couple hours eating and returning to the truck, I saw it about the same time Jordan said, “there’s a ticket”. $500 that parking space was going to set us back. Seemed like an excessive amount for missing a small sign but I justified it by thinking we would’ve spent at least that on Avery’s birthday had he lived and much more than that on him in this first year, so it felt right. In the end, I appealed it by explaining the spot was painted white with no other indicators it was a handicapped spot other than the short sign we didn’t see up in the truck and we got off the hook with a warning 🙂

When we got home we lit the birthday candle and sang happy birthday to Avery. Jordan didn’t know if he wanted to, or more accurately if he could, but I felt that even though he wasn’t here, he’d know if we sang and I was determined to celebrate him in all the ways I possibly could. 

All day long I had messages from friends and family sending their love and lighting candles in honor of my sweet boy and I don’t have words that will ever express how thankful I am to have so many people remember Avery and how much he means to us. 

So, my advice to the moms that have asked me how to survive the birthday of a child in heaven is this: do what you have to in order to survive the day, but do your best to celebrate the day, whatever that means to you. Your child deserves it and so do you. Don’t let anyone tell you what’s normal or not normal (I’m looking at you Dear Abby). I’m sure there were people on the beach wondering what a woman my age was doing taking a beach walk with a teddy bear, but I didn’t care. It was my day to celebrate my son, not a day I was going to spend time being judged by anyone. Don’t feel morbid or sad about doing things you’d normally do if he or she were here. But don’t feel bad if you aren’t able to do those things either. Play it as it lays. Do what feels right for you and your child. And don’t be surprised when you wake up the next day emotionally exhausted. We are all doing the best we can and sometimes we don’t know what that looks like beforehand. We’re figuring it out as we go just as we have every day since we lost them.