Shattered Dreams.

Dearest Avery, 

The plans I had for you were great but they pale in compassion to God’s plan. From the evening I found out we had conceived you, everything Daddy and I did had you at the forefront. We dove headfirst into being your parents before we even heard your heart beat for the first time. A few days after the positive pregnancy tests (all five of them) we bought your car seat, stroller and pack ‘n play. After your first ultrasound we bought you a crib. You may have only been 10 weeks old in my belly but your Daddy couldn’t wait to set up your bed. Little did he know we’d be buying a home a few months later and your crib would need to be taken down and put up again in your new nursery. 

I’m sure you can see it from Heaven and it doesn’t compare to your room there but I poured my heart into decorating your space here in our home. In addition to your crib there’s a bed I imagined Daddy and I crashing in when we checked on you during the night and were too tired to find our way back to our own or your Grandmas staying there when they visited and couldn’t stand to be away from you even when they slept. There’s a mini fridge up there and a bottle warmer in anticipation of keeping breast milk cool and convenient so we wouldn’t have to go downstairs before midnight feedings. The pack ‘n play lays out of place by your crib when I had planned on you sleeping in it next to my bedside for the first few weeks or so.

In September we traveled home to Pennsylvania with you in my belly and you were showered by our hometown friends and family and then again by my co-workers a month later. They gave you many wonderful toys which now sit in your nursery waiting to be played with and some of the cutest outfits I’ve ever seen which hang in your closet or lay folded in your drawers washed and waiting to be worn. On top of your dresser I attached a changing pad for your million diaper changes. The closets are filled with diapers, wipes, sheets, mattress protectors and a bath tub. There’s a rolling cart for bath time that is also home to all your first aid and diaper changing essentials. The glider I imagined rocking you in I sit in every day partly because I’m recovering from the c-section and partly because if I close my eyes I can feel your tiny body snuggling on me. 

There is a swing set in the yard of this first home we bought and your Daddy talked about swapping out the swing for an infant one. Daddy’s truck we call Snow White we imagined teaching you to drive in and making it your first vehicle in 16 years. We picked out and visited a daycare where you’d be safe and cared for after Mommy had to return to work. A pediatrician was also lined up who I imagined having to call with many first time parent questions. 

Everything I did this year I pictured myself doing next year with a newborn. When we went to the beach we imagined you playing in the sand at six months old. We went to weddings and I imagined both what it would be like to have you there celebrating with us and what it would be like to have to leave you with a babysitter while I went with Daddy. My biggest fear was going back to work after maternity leave knowing once you were here I was never going to want to leave you. As I worked and felt you kick in my belly I thought about how excited I would be to pick you up and get home to be with you. 

As Daddy and I read to you or listened, as we did so often, to classical music we dreamed about the person you’d be. Daddy wanted you to be a golfer or a football player (a kicker preferably where you’d still make an NFL salary but had less of a chance of getting hurt). Mommy knew you were going to be a smart cookie and dreamed of you having a career in medicine or cyber security where you could help people with your intelligence because I know you are as kind as you are smart. Your cat sister used to lay on you in my belly and you’d kick her; I’d imagine you both loving her and torturing her as you grew up. 

The dreams we had for you may be shattered and as a result my heart is shattered too but through the cracks I’m learning that I love you deeper than I ever thought possible. The only dream I’m holding onto now is spending eternity in Heaven with you, sweet boy. 

Forever yours, 

Mommy 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future

Jeremiah 29.11