Love & Pain & Anger & Joy.

Grief is an untamable beast. Time moves ridiculously slow yet passes by quickly all at the same time. Just when I think I have a handle on an aspect of my grief I get blindsided and all hell breaks loose. When my chest tightens and I feel like I can’t breathe I remind myself strong love is what brought me this powerful grief and strong love will bring me through the rest of my days.

I’ve felt a million emotions I never felt before and the ones I’m familiar with I’ve felt with intensity at maximum. Anger is not one I’ve felt nearly as much as others like pain and sadness. I feel it but then get confused about who to be angry at.

How can I be angry with God when he made Avery in the first place? We’re told “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised” (Job 1:20). We are not only to praise Him but to suffer for Him, even when He has taken something precious from us. How can I be angry at the doctors, nurses, or even myself when we didn’t cause what happened nor could we have prevented it? How can I be angry at other moms and moms-to-be when their babies and pregnancies had nothing to do with losing mine?

Yet somehow I am angry. I’m angry at God for blessing me with him then taking my baby from me. I’m angry at the doctors, nurses, and my own body for not saving him. I’m angry at Jordan for reminding me Avery doesn’t want me to be sad. I’m angry at pregnant women and moms with babies simply for existing.

Here’s the key : I let myself feel anger but I don’t live there. I don’t let it consume me and monopolize my thoughts. I’m angry at God but more so I’m grateful because my baby has the ultimate home with Him in Heaven where he knows no pain and all love. I’m angry at the medical staff and myself but more so I’m thankful they not only saved my life but saved my possibility of more children and accepting that there was nothing we could have done to stop God’s Will. I’m angry when Jordan tells me Avery doesn’t want me to be sad but much stronger than that I love him for wanting me to feel joy again. I’m angry at pregnant moms and moms with babies but that anger is just misdirected envy for having the pregnancy I had and lost or the baby I planned on snuggling and ultimately I’m grateful to God for healthy babies and uneventful pregnancies.

I wish I could say I wanted to rewind my life and part of that is maybe true. I would love to still be pregnant and getting ready to deliver a healthy, kicking Avery. But do I wish I never got pregnant at all? Absolutely not. In the seven months Avery was in my belly my heart grew and filled with more love than I knew I had in me. Now that my heart has been shattered I know what I’m capable of in terms of love and strength. I’m responsible for putting the pieces back together and filling my heart even fuller with love. I know what love is when I look at Avery’s Daddy but I gained an understanding of love I didn’t before when I held Avery in my arms.

I wish I could go back to a time when I didn’t know what life as a bereaved mom is like. Conclusively I would never wish to go back to a life without Avery. Nor do I wish to go back to a time when I took love for granted.

There is nothing I will experience in life that will be more painful than holding my stillborn son. Keeping that thought in mind I can do anything. I have been through the worst and even in the darkness God was there. He chose me as Avery’s Mom because He knows I’m strong enough and perfect for the job with His help. He sent me Avery to make me who I am meant to be. I planned to teach Avery many things but instead he’s going to be my teacher.

I will hold my Avery again someday and in Heaven he will look up at me with blue eyes and I will tell him how he taught me about love. How I shouldn’t stay angry for long. How grief and joy go hand in hand. How I wanted him here so bad but was simultaneously glad Heaven has always been his home. How I wished I didn’t know the things I know yet glad I did at the same time. How empathetic he made me and instilled this need to help others through similar losses. How strong he made me.

How he not only made me a mom but he made me his mom.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

Psalm 40.2