Day 20.

Follow up appointments have been some of the hardest things I’ve had to face in the last few weeks. For starters it is right next to the hospital so the entire ride there my mind is racing and recreating the emergency trip we took there nearly three weeks ago. We get stopped at the same light where I stare out the window remembering how scary it was so feel the blood gushing out and knowing everything was not okay. 

I must say that the staff has been super compassionate and have made it as comfortable as possible for us. They make my appointments first in the morning, before the doctors even get there, so I can be taken right to an exam room instead of having to wait in the waiting area. This is both a blessing and a curse because once I’m in the exam room all I can think about are the happy memories we have of this office. I have to remind myself to be happy and thankful I have these memories since they are the only ones I’ll now ever have of my son.

I remember the first appointment where my husband and I were so exciteably scared to be pregnant and had no idea what questions to ask. I remember hearing his heartbeat for the first time on my birthday thinking my own heart was going to burst right there under the ultrasound machine. I remember a couple months later when we found out he was indeed a boy, a fact that my husband knew firsthand as soon as she turned on the monitor but refused to believe, stating “I can’t believe we’re having a boy, I just can’t believe it” over and over again. I remember the fear when we were told that he wasn’t growing at the rate they expected him to and how we begged to know what I could do differently. 

I would have done anything differently if it meant Avery could be better. But in the end what happened was so far out of my control. 

On the way home I continued to dwell in the darkness when talking to my husband about our truck then breaking down remembering we had plans of teaching Avery to drive it. 

A healthy pregnancy until it wasn’t means we have many fond memories with Avery in the doctor’s office. Memories one day I know I will be able to  smile instead of cry when looking back on them. Until then, I’m glad I have three weeks until my next follow up.