Twice in two days I read about people surrounding bereaved parents shutting out their stories and even berating them for it. One family told they shouldn’t share the pictures of their stillborn child, people who I can only assume don’t know all that it is to lose a child claiming this isn’t a moment they would want to capture and share if it were them. Another bereaved mother told by her HR department that she couldn’t share her stillborn baby’s death announcement.  Please, please if you find yourself reading this help me accept these babies and all the babies gone before us into our hearts and our lives. Pictures of…

As I sat on the swing on the porch of the cabin I thought about all that brought me here. Then I started thinking about the mountains and how I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that I couldn’t see the bigger ranges behind what was in front of me. I was sitting on a mountain at elevation around 2400 feet but the next 30 miles that spread out in front of me held ranges with 6500 foot peaks. Why couldn’t I see them? My analytical brain wanted to climb into research of mountain visibility and human sight but my spirituality won out. God used nature to give me…

Days after I left the hospital I was in Target looking for pajamas to wear for the next few months off work. Please note the Target concept of leaving with more than you came for still applies when you’re in shock because as I avoided looking right towards the baby aisle I looked left and saw this book – It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way by Lisa Terkeurst. The little voice in my head agreed, “yeah I don’t think it’s supposed to be this way either” so I brought it home to read. I started it then but wasn’t ready to grasp that much thinking at that point so…

It’s the last day of 2018 and I’m hesitant to enter into a year where my son never existed. As I reflected on this year I remembered for the first few months I had no idea Avery was coming. I knew nothing of the love I now have for him. I knew nothing of this heavy grief I have for having to say goodbye to him for now. In less than one year God rocked my world and took me from a carefree partying twenty-five year old to an innocent pregnant mom-to-be to a bereaved parent struggling to learn how to love my son this way. If God did all…

I am not just grieving my baby. I am grieving my 1, 2, 3 month old. I am grieving my 1, 2, 3 year old. I am grieving my preschooler, my kindergartener, my 1st thru 12th grader. I am grieving my driving 16 year old. I am grieving my still-smoking-behind-my-mother’s-back 18 year old. I am grieving Mother’s Days, birthdays, Christmases with my son. I am grieving my husband’s son he’ll never play with. I am grieving the grandson my mom and mother-in-law can’t snuggle. I am grieving the cousin my nieces and nephew didn’t get to meet yet. I am grieving my daughter-in-law he’ll never marry. I am grieving my…

Dearest Avery, We planned for this day for the better part of this year. What we couldn’t prepare ourselves for was saying goodbye to you. Many questions have flooded my mind since you left us and many go unanswered but one I know for sure. Knowing what I know now about the outcome of your pregnancy would I do it all over again if I had to? The answer is yes. I would take the pain of saying goodbye to you every day if that means I get to love you. And oh do I love you sweet boy. I hope you get to know that in Heaven but in…

Grief is an untamable beast. Time moves ridiculously slow yet passes by quickly all at the same time. Just when I think I have a handle on an aspect of my grief I get blindsided and all hell breaks loose. When my chest tightens and I feel like I can’t breathe I remind myself strong love is what brought me this powerful grief and strong love will bring me through the rest of my days. I’ve felt a million emotions I never felt before and the ones I’m familiar with I’ve felt with intensity at maximum. Anger is not one I’ve felt nearly as much as others like pain and…

When I first found out I was pregnant with Avery I was terrified. I had a million questions : am I ready, how far along am I, did all that beer I just had hurt the baby? Jordan didn’t seem to have any questions instantly or if he did they were abandoned for the excitement of having a baby of our own. He was ecstatic about being a Daddy. While tears ran down my face and I reached for my bible for assurances from God that now was the time Jordan looked at me, grinning from ear to ear, and asked “why are you praying, it’s all going to be…

Dearest Avery,  The plans I had for you were great but they pale in compassion to God’s plan. From the evening I found out we had conceived you, everything Daddy and I did had you at the forefront. We dove headfirst into being your parents before we even heard your heart beat for the first time. A few days after the positive pregnancy tests (all five of them) we bought your car seat, stroller and pack ‘n play. After your first ultrasound we bought you a crib. You may have only been 10 weeks old in my belly but your Daddy couldn’t wait to set up your bed. Little did…

One month since Avery went to Heaven…so I let myself break down a little this morning. I washed my hair so I knew I had to get up and dry it but I let myself lay back down in bed and let my crushed dreams take over for a bit. Darkest thoughts about not having my son here : I don’t know the color of his eyes I don’t know what his voice sounds like I’ll never hear him tell me he loves me I don’t know if he likes legos, race cars, or what kind of toys I don’t know what sport is his favorite And on and on…