Dear Avery

I don’t write to you often sweet boy, I don’t know if it’s because I think it’s too hard or because I talk to you in my head constantly all day long. When I got pregnant with you I started talking to you all the time, telling you about the world and how it would be when you got here. I like to think that I talked to you so much that you got to skip this broken world and go right to heaven.

Broken is exactly what this world is and I can’t allow my heart to harden with it, going dark as fast as the tragedies that happen in this life. In the four months since you left us I feel like I see disaster all around and all the time. This world has fallen so far from grace and I could let myself too if I get wrapped up in thinking I have any control over it.

Much loved babies die in their mothers, leaving a hole in a life that was supposed to be. A kind and caring fiancé with a huge heart drifts off to sleep and never wakes up, leaving a beautiful bride to be heartbroken. There are tornadoes that rip through towns and take everything in possession. There are evil people that murder innocent people simply for their existence, who they are, and what they believe.

“Should we accept only good from God and not adversity? Job 2.10 CSB

No race, religion, ethnicity; no age, net worth, or social status makes us exempt from pain and suffering. It happens to us all. It can happen to anyone, anything can. And when it does it’s not only okay to talk about but it’s vital to talk about because these are our stories. This is the testimony of our imperfect lives. We aren’t meant to live out anyone’s testimony but our own, therefore to gain understanding and get the most out of our experiences by using them to help others, we have to share our stories. And to share we have to be ready to hear other’s stories.

You, Avery, are my testimony. Or the start of it anyway. I don’t know what my future looks like, I don’t know what tomorrow looks like. What I do know is I have a son in heaven with God and I’m on my way to meet him. The rest I pray for comfort in knowing God will handle.

And if I’m grateful for anything in this unbearable situation, it’s for the fact that you know nothing about pain, my Avery. You never hurt for a second of your life down here and that is something good to cling to. You are perfect and not broken and therefore deserve nothing less than heaven.

I’ll see you sooner than I know it.

I’ll love you forever, always,

Mom.

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