It’s the last day of 2018 and I’m hesitant to enter into a year where my son never existed. As I reflected on this year I remembered for the first few months I had no idea Avery was coming.
I knew nothing of the love I now have for him. I knew nothing of this heavy grief I have for having to say goodbye to him for now.
In less than one year God rocked my world and took me from a carefree partying twenty-five year old to an innocent pregnant mom-to-be to a bereaved parent struggling to learn how to love my son this way. If God did all that in the span of one year, what does 2019 have in store for me? What’s He going to bring into my life now that I have all this courage and power from love?
If I have learned anything this year it is that I can only plan so far and wide. At some point I have to give it up to God that some things don’t go the way we envision. Before March of this year I wasn’t yet pregnant. Until May of this year I didn’t know I was pregnant with Avery and definitely didn’t envision getting pregnant but it changed me; it turned everything I knew about my life inside out. And just because I didn’t plan it doesn’t mean I don’t consider it the biggest blessing of my life.
As you do not know the path of the wind,Ecclesiastes 11:5 NIV
or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things.
I had no idea what things God would bring to my life in 2018.
I have no idea what things God will bring to my life in 2019.
All I know is that I’m going to be still. The Lord will fight for me (Exodus 14.14). Be still, and know that I am God (Ps 46.10).
And wherever He takes me, in this new year and every year of this life I have yet to live, I’m carrying Avery Jordan with me. This year brought more joy, pain, grief and love to my life than I imagined was possible to feel and I wouldn’t change a bit of it. The grief I carry is the love I envisioned giving my son in this lifetime and that will never get too heavy.
He may not exist in this new year but I’m bringing him with me. Always.
For no one is cast offLamentations 3:31-33 NIV
by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love.
For he does not willingly bring affliction
or grief to anyone.