One month since Avery went to Heaven…so I let myself break down a little this morning. I washed my hair so I knew I had to get up and dry it but I let myself lay back down in bed and let my crushed dreams take over for a bit.
Darkest thoughts about not having my son here :
- I don’t know the color of his eyes
- I don’t know what his voice sounds like
- I’ll never hear him tell me he loves me
- I don’t know if he likes legos, race cars, or what kind of toys
- I don’t know what sport is his favorite
And on and on and on…
I was still drowning in “what if”s and “if only”s when Jordan came home from work. All I could manage to say was “I want my baby”. Bluntly his response was “I know, but he’s not coming back”. In that moment it was exactly what I needed because I could either lay there and dwell on all the questions I have about when Avery’s “firsts” would’ve been and who he would have been and what he would have liked or I can have faith that I’ll see him again someday and he’ll tell me in his own voice that he loves me and what color his eyes are (most likely blue) and what his favorite toys and sports are (if there are those in Heaven but we know he must like football at least a little and is no doubt a Steelers fan).
This side of Heaven I still have things to do. My sweet Avery isn’t coming back to this life but I have to keep moving. Keep planning even though all the plans I had this year got completely derailed.
The next few weeks leading up to our Christmas due date will be stressful and every morning I fight the battle between enjoying the holidays as they are and letting myself be enveloped by how I think they should be. I will keep fighting to survive this season because I have no choice but to move on in this life.
Jordan has booked us a mountain trip in January, a trophy for surviving the holidays and something to look forward to. We’ve taken two trips to the Smoky Mountain area; one before we were married and for our first anniversary. We find peace hiking and finding waterfalls so it may be just what we need.
As it’s been for the last month, one day at a time.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.