Day 19.

I’m looking forward to a time when I stop thinking in terms of the number of days it’s been since I’ve seen my sweet little boy’s face for the first and last time. Or calculating in my head how many weeks pregnant I “should be”. I say should be and stop myself because if it was God’s plan for me to be 36 pregnant right now I would be. But my baby has a different home than the one I thought I’d bring him to and Heaven is a better place than any I could have given him. Only thing I can do is bring a little bit of Avery’s Heaven into our home which I’m doing every day by adding mementos to Avery’s Corner.

Yesterday was a big day for me : I made it out in public for one of the first times to have lunch with my husband. With tears forming in my eyes as the baby at a nearby table screamed and giggled, I focused on how this outing was a big step towards our new normal.

The RN that teaches baby classes at the hospital told us the pottery with Avery’s foot and handprints was ready so we met her there. Going back to the place we rushed to just shy of three weeks ago brought on a wave of emotions but I managed a smile as I gave her the update on how I am doing and talked about my sweet boy. The ornaments and castings of his tiny hands and feet will be things I will cherish forever and the kindness she showed by having this done for us I don’t have words to thank her for.

In the midst of conversation she mentioned we are the fifth couple in two weeks to have a baby who’s only life will be that in Heaven and I haven’t stopped thinking about those other four mothers since, knowing they are feeling the same pain I am feeling. Even though my only focus right now is self-care because that is as much as I can handle, I know I will be compelled in the future to help others walk this tightrope of grief and love for their babies.

Avery may not have been here physically but he has brought so many wonderful people into our lives and continues everyday to change my life and open my heart in ways I never would have imagined.

 

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